


Nail Polish Names are Stupid

by twoshipsdrifting



Category: BBC Radio 1 RPF, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Crossdressing, Feminization, Fluff, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Genderfluid Character, I'm just covering my bases here, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-04-18 10:11:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4702193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twoshipsdrifting/pseuds/twoshipsdrifting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis doesn't really like to question who he is, but Nick thinks it might be important.  OT3 with some self discovery.  </p><p>I deviated from the prompt quite a bit this is mostly Supportive Boyfriends™.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Nail Polish Names are Stupid

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hyruleans](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyruleans/gifts).



> Ahhh, I am so nervous about posting this! I want to say first of all that I am cis and please, please, please let me know if there is something in this fic that is offensive and needs edited! I am 100% open to being educated in gender issues so if I am crossing a line here, let me know! 
> 
> I mostly used my own experience with my sexuality here and I know it is not the same but I wanted to try and write this fic because there is so, so much in the gender binary narrative and I feel like we could all benefit from moving away from that a bit. 
> 
> I'm going to shut up but I really hope this is enjoyable.

When Liam gets home Nick is perched perilously on the sofa, one leg pulled up as the other bends awkwardly to reach the floor.   
Both his hands are down at his foot, one holding a toe up and the other dragging nail polish along the nail. 

Nick is studiously _not_ noticing Liam, tongue poking out of his lips just slightly in concentration. 

Liam smiles for a moment before speaking. 

            “Me too?”   

Nick laughs at him, capping the polish before looking over.

            “How about you paint mine for once? I can hardly reach, you know.” 

Liam gasps before grinning. 

            “You’d let me?  What an honor, me a small boy from Wolverhampton, am allowed to paint his majesty’s nails.” 

Nick grabs a throw pillow to swat him with, dropping it to the floor immediately and checking his foot. 

            “Cheeky,” he says.  “Why don’t you get on with it, hm?” 

Liam settles back against the arm of the sofa before patting his thigh and reaching for the bottle. 

            “Alright, hand it over.” 

            “Shouldn’t you say foot it over?” Nick asks, scooting back far enough to fit his foot in Liam’s lap. 

Liam lets out a dry laugh, rolling his eyes. 

Today Nick has chosen a dark red polish, nearly like red wine. 

Liam tips it over briefly to read the name on the bottom. 

            “Forever yummy?” Liam demands, taking a few moments to laugh at it. 

Nick nudges his thigh, a bit hard actually. 

            “Shut up and paint my toes, Liam Payne.” 

 

By the time Louis gets home, Nick and Liam’s toes are done – forever yummy and warm & toasty turtleneck respectively.   They’re resting their naked feet on the coffee table to let them dry. 

            “Louis!” Nick calls, sounding overjoyed.  “Be a love and bring us a cuppa?  Our toes are drying!”  He wriggles them for emphasis, blowing a kiss when Louis just rolls his eyes. 

            “You can still make your own tea,” he snorts. 

            “Oh,” Nick says, “you’ve made Liam sad.” 

They both turn pouts on Louis then, Liam’s is much more impressive – admittedly. 

Louis props a hand on his hip. 

            “Haven’t I told you to use your powers for good?  I haven’t even taken off my shoes yet!” 

            “I would make you a cuppa,” Liam says, still pouting. 

            “I wouldn’t need you to because I don’t paint my nails,” Louis says primly. 

            “Far too boring,” Nick says, getting up and heading toward the kitchen. 

            “I can,” Liam says, moving to stand too.

            “I’ve been drying longer,” Nick says, huffing at Louis.   
He’s ignored. 

            “I was going to order some takeaway,” Louis says, stepping out of his shoes, “but while you’re in the kitchen – be a love.” 

            “Oi.”  Nick stops and turns to regard Louis.  “You’re lucky I like your mug.” 

            “You just like my bum,” Louis says, waving him off before collapsing in the spot he vacated. 

            “It’s a nice bum,” Nick says, disappearing into the kitchen. 

 

…

 

Louis wakes to Liam giggling quietly and he sighs before opening his eyes. 

His feet are cold which is definitely odd and Louis struggles to sit up. 

            “No, no!” Nick cries, hands landing on his ankles and pulling them down. 

Louis has to twist his neck down to look. 

            “What are you doing,” he demands flatly. 

            “We match,” Liam says proudly, hopping back into bed.   
Nick’s still down at the foot, crouching on the floor.   
“Er, sort of,” Liam says. 

Louis blinks at him once.   
Then he looks down again. 

His toenails are painted a very pale blue. 

            “What the fuck.” 

            “Rock the boat,” Nick tells him.  “It’s artistic – I’m red, you’re blue, and Liam is purple.” 

            “What the fuck,” Louis snarls.  “Whose idea was this?”  He yanks his ankles from Nick’s grasp and sits up fully. 

            “They’re not dry,” Nick says idly, sitting back. 

Liam looks upset and Louis takes a deep breath. 

            “I don’t want my nails painted,” Louis says.   
He tries to calm down. 

            “Just your toenails,” Liam says.  “No one will know.”     

            “I’ll know,” Louis points out. 

He looks down at his toes again and sighs. 

They look sort of nice.   
Sort of…pretty. 

He looks down to Nick again, balling up words on the back of his tongue. 

“Can I have a wee,” he says, “or will that bollocks it up?” 

            “Walk carefully,” Nick says.   
He looks minutely pleased. 

 

Louis knows it’s important to be okay with this.   
For Nick’s sake.  And by extension Liam’s. 

Because when Nick first started seeing Liam – when Louis and Liam were rooming together – he was very subtle about it.   
And even when they all sort of fell together – too much alcohol and cuddling – Nick still wasn’t exactly upfront about his hobbies. 

There’s nothing wrong with it, really nothing even weird about it.   
Nick just likes pretty things. 

And that’s okay. 

Liam is staunch with his support and Louis knows better than to rock the boat. 

He glances down at his toes and rolls his eyes.

The fact of it is though, Louis isn’t comfortable with it. 

He spent long enough in the closet, long enough trying to be masculine enough to pass everyone’s standards – even his own – and now it’s like he naturally flinches away from anything that’s too feminine. 

He really doesn’t like to think about it because it makes him feel like he hates himself.   
A little.

And he doesn’t want to dislike this about Nick.   
He _doesn’t_.   
Even those times Nick will wear dresses or skirts. 

It’s alright for Nick.   
And it’s alright for Liam to support him.

It’s just not alright for Louis.

 

…

 

Liam and Nick shower together while Louis makes himself some tea. 

Liam is ridiculously glad it’s the weekend, standing under the spray and looking down at their feet. 

            “We’re adorable,” Liam says, leaning out of the spray to kiss Nick’s cheek. 

            “We are, Doll,” Nick agrees.  “We are.” 

Liam turns Nick by the hips, scrubbing at his back.  
He wraps his arms around Nick’s waist loosely. 

“You think Lou’s okay?” 

Liam goes still slowly. 

            “What do you mean?” 

Nick turns, one eyebrow arched. 

            “He was pretty angry.  He’s probably scrubbing that polish off right now.” 

            “Maybe we should have had a cuppa waiting for him,” Liam suggests, smiling. 

            “I just worry,” Nick says. 

 

Liam takes a break from the conversation to add shampoo to his hair. 

            “About him not accepting you?” he asks carefully. 

            “No,” Nick says, rubbing his hands in Liam’s hair too. 

He pushes Liam under the spray and helps him rinse before continuing. 

“No,” he says again.  “It’s just this look he gets on his face.  It’s always gone so fast I can’t really be sure but,” he pauses, rubbing at his chin, “it looks like he’s jealous?”   

            “Oh,” Liam lets out. 

It’s swallowed up by the sound of the shower but he doesn’t bother repeating himself. 

Sometimes Liam forgets how oblivious he can be.   
Still, he shakes it off. 

If this is something, it’s good that Nick is paying attention. 

Maybe that’s why the three of them work.

Nick reaches around Liam to shut off the water. 

            “Stop stressing Leemo,” Nick tells him, kissing him slowly.  “If – and I mean _if_ because I haven’t asked him about it – this is something, we need to take it slow.  You know how skittish he can be.” 

Nick follows him out of the shower and hands Liam a towel before taking one for himself. 

“You know how hard he is on himself,” he adds, patting at his face. 

            “Yeah,” Liam says, stomach twisting at the thought.   
“So what are we going to do?” 

            “Nothing,” Nick says.  “For now.” 

 

…

 

Sometimes Nick doesn’t know what to do with all the affection that swells in his heart. 

He loves both his boys so, so much and he’s eternally glad that they love each other just as much and that he doesn’t have to choose. 

But lately he looks at Louis and he sees just a bit of himself.   
Not quite a reflection but maybe a fragment of his younger self. 

The one who was scared to wear ankle boots or fur coats.   
The one who wanted _everyone_ to like him. 

Some days Nick still feels that way.   
And that’s okay. 

Life isn’t really about fixing yourself he’s found. 

But Nick remembers how lonely that was.   
He remembers telling himself that if he was like that, if he let himself be like that, he was never going to find anyone who would love him.  
Who would want to be with him – or stay with him. 

He’s a man who likes cock.  And pretty things.  And especially pretty cocks. 

Nick’s alright with that. 

He doesn’t really know if he’s right about this, but on the chance that he is – he needs to do something about it.    

 

Three days later he comes home to see Louis laying on the sofa, telly playing low as he naps. 

Nick drops off his jacket and keys, goes to their room and takes off his shoes and socks.   
Then he goes to the bathroom and grabs his basket of nail polish. 

He pauses to grab the remover and cotton balls as well. 

Nick drops his load of things on the coffee table and lifts Louis’ legs gently to sit down beneath them. 

            “Alright?” Nick asks, cupping his calf and smoothing his thumb back and forth. 

            “Yup,” Louis grunts.  “How was work?” 

Nick shrugs with his free shoulder. 

            “Fine,” he says.  “Same.” 

 

            “Doing your nails?” Louis asks after a moment. 

Nick hums. 

            “Want me to take yours off?” 

            “Yeah,” Louis says quietly, chewing on his lip for just a second.

            “Want a different color?” Nick asks airily, like he doesn’t care about the answer. 

Though he supposes he really _doesn’t_ care about the answer.   
He just cares how Louis answers. 

Louis just shrugs though, neither confirming nor denying. 

Nick doesn’t say anything either, leaning over Louis’ legs to uncap the remover.  He holds a cotton ball over the top before tipping it over twice. 

“We’ll just see where the day takes us,” Nick hums.        

 

He takes the polish off Louis’ toes carefully, already looking through his colors. 

            “How about gargantuan green grape?” he asks, holding up a lovely pale green. 

Louis snorts.

            “Are you serious?” 

            “Artists are very creative people, Louis,” Nick sniffs.  “Pink-ing of you?” he asks next. 

Louis glares this time. 

            “Definitely not.” 

He hasn’t outright said no, Nick’s noticed. 

            “Well these are both lovely colors,” Nick says, “maybe I’ll use them.” 

Louis is apparently ignoring him. 

“Suzi says feng shui?” Nick checks.

            “You made that up.” 

            “Nope,” Nick laughs.  “Oooh, how about this one?”  He offers up a bright orange shade.  “Feel the vibe?” 

Louis looks at the bottle for about three seconds.  Then he shoots a glance to Nick’s face.   
Then he looks back at the telly. 

            “’S kinda nice,” he says. 

            “It is nice,” Nick agrees neutrally. 

He shakes the bottle and opens it before Louis can object. 

Luckily – he isn’t objecting. 

Nick starts with his baby toe, carefully painting the tiny nail. 

 

Neither of them talk as he works and it’s not quite as nice as doing Liam’s nails but it is much nicer now that Louis is conscious. 

            “Okay,” Nick says finally, patting Louis’ shin.  “Feet on the coffee table, ten minutes to dry.” 

Louis looks a bit mutinous, probably at the ten minutes part, but he swings his feet onto the edge of the table anyway. 

Nick perches his feet there too, stooping over his legs to grab the remover.

He wiggles his toes once the polish is gone and goes to throw out the used cotton balls, pleasantly surprised that Louis is still on the sofa when he returns.

“I’m thinking,” Nick sighs before humming, “I’m thinking…burst of fresh flair and pineapples have peelings too.” 

He pulls out both the bottles, regarding them. 

            “Those look like the same color,” Louis points out. 

            “This one has glitter,” Nick explains, shaking pineapples have peelings too in front of him. 

            “Okay so use that one and,” he leans forward a bit to peer into Nick’s basket.  “That one,” he says, pointing to a green bottle.

            “Shake your $$ maker,” Nick announces, settling it down on the table too.  “Good choice love.” 

Louis scoffs, reaching for it and reading the bottom. 

            “It’s shake your money maker not your dollar sign dollar sign maker, Nicholas.” 

            “I know,” Nick laughs, “but it’s more fun that way.” 

He gathers the polishes he isn’t using and puts them back in, looking at the two remaining again. 

“My toes are gonna look like actual pineapples,” Nick announces, “thanks, Love.” 

Louis mostly ignores him.  
He looks a bit pleased with himself though. 

 

…

 

When Liam gets home on Tuesday Nick is just standing in the kitchen, looking down at a box. 

            “Nick?” 

Nick looks up to him, frowning slightly. 

“What’s wrong?” 

            “Well,” Nick says, “nothing really.”  

Liam steps into the kitchen, frowning now too. 

            “What’s in the box?” he asks. 

            “I ordered a skirt,” Nick adds, “but it’s too short for me.” 

            “You know that without opening it?” 

Nick laughs for a moment. 

            “I knew it when I ordered it, Love.”

            “But why did you order a skirt that’s too short?” Liam asks, more than a bit lost now. 

            “Because it’s not actually for me,” Nick tells him.  “It’s for Louis.” 

Liam can feel his face heating, his stomach tensing. 

            “Oh,” he says. 

            “But I can’t say it’s for him, can I?  I just want to see if I was right.” 

 

            “Feels a bit wrong,” Liam offers. 

            “I know,” Nick agrees.  “But I don’t want him to keep hiding from himself – or us.” 

            “Me either,” Liam agrees. 

            “Okay,” Nick says, pulling open a drawer to retrieve a pair of scissors. 

He slits the tape and opens the flaps. 

The skirt is striped black and white, folded up in plastic. 

Nick hums to himself as he opens it. 

“Nice, right?” he says, shaking it so the hem flares out before holding it to his hips. 

            “Yeah,” Liam agrees. 

            “Bin that?” Nick asks, heading towards the bedroom. 

            “Alright,” Liam says, biting his lip quickly. 

He exhales and balls up the plastic before tossing it in.   
The shipping slips follow and he cuts open the bottom of the box to fold it up.   
It goes in the bin too. 

Liam puts the scissors away and breathes in and out again. 

Then he follows Nick into the bedroom. 

 

            “Much too short,” Nick says. 

His pants are peeking out from the hem, jeans already balled up on the floor with his socks and trainers. 

Nick sways his hips anyway. 

The skirt flares and Nick smiles back at Liam. 

            “Could just takes those off,” Liam tells him. 

            “Let it all hang out?” Nick laughs. 

            “Could be hot.” 

            “Or I could just take it off,” Nick suggests. 

Liam crosses to him, sneaking his fingertips in the elastic waistband. 

            “True.” 

Nick catches his mouth in a gentle kiss, Liam leaning into him and slipping his hands lower. 

“Seriously though, take your pants off,” Liam says, laughing once. 

            “Not taking anything off if you keep laughing at me.” 

            “D’you need some music,” Liam laughs again. 

            “Oi,” Nick huffs, pushing him back. 

Liam can’t stop laughing then, pressing a hand to his ribs to steady them. 

            “Sorry, Babe,” he manages, “the pants aren’t helping.” 

Nick pretends to adjust his hair, ignoring Liam. 

 

He shimmies out of the skirt before tossing it at Liam. 

            “Like you can do any better?” 

Liam’s never really been one to back away from a challenge and this is no different. 

He opens his belt and lets his jeans fall down his hips before toeing out of his sneakers and stepping out of everything. 

It’s definitely weird stepping into the skirt and much like Nick, his pants are visible under the skirt too. 

Liam shoots him a quick look before reaching under the skirt to pull his pants off as well. 

            “Huh,” Liam lets out. 

It’s not really different from wearing a towel after a shower. 

Except that it’s a skirt. 

His cheeks feel hot. 

“’S weird,” Liam mumbles. 

            “In a good way?” Nick asks, voice gentle. 

            “Don’t know,” Liam says, “just kinda weird.” 

Nick does laugh at him then, settling his hands on Liam’s hips.

            “That’s alright,” he says, “you don’t have to like it.” 

            “It’s alright,” Liam tells him, shrugging. 

            “And I appreciate your support,” Nick tells him.  “C’mon now, let’s sort out dinner before Lou gets home.” 

 

…

 

Louis heads straight for the bedroom when he gets in, sparing Nick and Liam a wave where they’re curled up on the couch. 

            “Food’ll be here soon,” Nick says as he passes. 

            “Okay,” Louis agrees. 

He toes off his shoes immediately, taking off his hoodie and throwing it on the bed.   
Next he heads for the bathroom – using the toilet perfunctorily. 

Louis heads back to the bedroom to pick up after himself and avoid a lecture from Liam. 

He’s gathering up his hoodie, empty hanger already in hand, when he spots the pile of black and white fabric on the bed. 

Louis spares it a frown and hangs up his hoodie.   
He kicks his shoes into the closet carelessly and closes the door behind them.

Then he approaches the bed again. 

It’s a _skirt_.   
Louis’ hands tighten in the fabric reflexively. 

Obviously it’s Nick’s, for some reason or another. 

Louis still hasn’t dropped it though. 

He wonders what it would feel like. 

 

Louis holds the fabric up against his hips, biting at his cheek as his throat heats. 

Maybe it wouldn’t be a big deal. 

Except – well it would be. 

He wouldn’t be putting on a skirt for the same reasons Nick does.   
Or even Liam. 

He just wants to put it on.   
He just wants to feel pretty. 

Maybe they would understand though. 

Nick at least?  
He likes pretty things. 

Louis could be one of those pretty things. 

And Liam is Liam.   
Louis thinks Liam would support him if he wanted to tattoo DRAKE across his forehead. 

 

The door creaks open a bit and Nick peeks in. 

Louis immediately drops the skirt, folding his hands together awkwardly. 

            “I wasn’t doing anything,” Louis says quickly. 

Nick gives him a small smile. 

He comes into the room, mostly shutting the door behind himself. 

            “Can we talk a mo?” 

            “Dinner,” Louis says unsteadily. 

Nick crosses the floor, stooping to pick up the skirt and tugging Louis towards the bed by his wrist. 

They sit down next to each other, Nick spreading the skirt over his lap. 

Just a bit of it lays over Louis’ thigh as well. 

            “Alright,” Nick says, blowing out a breath, “I’m going to be completely honest and maybe you can do the same?” 

Louis doesn’t know what to say, 

“I ordered this skirt for you,” Nick says.  “Because I thought maybe you might be interested.  And if I overstepped I’m sorry – but if you are interested I want you to know that that’s okay.  I love you – we both do.  And we are both going to love you for a long, long time.” 

Louis knows his mouth is hanging open a bit.   
He can’t seem to close it. 

 

            “For me?” he finally asks weakly. 

Nick nods.

            “Just for you, Love.” 

Louis is blushing fiercely at this point.   
He tries to ignore it. 

            “Oh,” he murmurs. 

Nick watches him and for a moment neither of them say anything. 

            “Is it something you’re interested in?” 

            “Maybe,” Louis says very quietly. 

His stomach is in absolute knots and it’s stupid because he knows he can trust Nick with this. 

It’s not like he’s still in the closet.   
It’s not like Nick of all people will judge him for this.   

Nick wouldn’t have ordered him this skirt if he wasn’t okay with it.   
He wouldn’t do this as a joke. 

Still though – there’s a lingering terror in Louis’ gut. 

            “It’s okay to like _girly_ things,” Nick says, air quotes evident.  “It’s okay to like laddy things.  It’s alright to like what you like.” 

            “Like,” Louis tries, “I know that in my head but it’s still…”  He shrugs, unsure how to put it into words. 

 

            “It’s hard in the society we’re in,” Nick says.  “We’re programmed from babes and if we can’t fit in whichever slot they want us in we try to force it.” 

Louis groans.

            “Can we not have this talk?  Honestly this isn’t a support group.  Sometimes I just think about wearing a dress or a skirt or feeling pretty and it doesn’t have to mean anything.” 

            “No,” Nick agrees, “it doesn’t have to mean anything.  But it could.” 

            “What, that I’m even gayer?” 

            “Lou,” Nick says gently. 

Louis just shakes his head.   
He’s well aware when he’s said something offensive, thanks. 

“If you need time that’s alright,” Nick says.  “If you don’t want to explore this or accept it or whatever – that’s alright too.  I just want you to be happy, yeah?” 

He folds the skirt in half before standing. 

“Whatever you decide,” he adds.  

He crosses to the closet and opens it, Louis assumes he tucks the skirt away somewhere. 

Louis watches his bare feet rather than looking up. 

“Dinner really will be here soon,” Nick says.   
He leaves the door open.

 

…

 

Louis is quiet the next few days and Liam is stupidly grateful that his sisters are coming down to visit. 

He doesn’t even mind driving them to the mall and walking around with all of them. 

Louis even holds his hand off and on, shooting him little smiles every time. 

So, it’s well worth it. 

It’s when they’re walking through one of the bigger stores, one with two levels, that Liam starts to notice that Louis looks distracted. 

            “Alright, Babe?” 

Louis bites down on his lip. 

            “Um,” he sighs, “yeah.  ‘M fine.” 

            “Sure?” Liam asks, frowning at him. 

Louis glances around furtively before dragging Liam behind a trio of mannequins. 

            “Okay,” Louis spits out, “no, not really.  Alright?  So what?  What if I want to wear a skirt?  Or a dress?  What if I want to paint my nails?  Does that make me a freak?  Does it make me a girl?  What does it even mean?  What if I just never do it and I just think about it?  Does that mean I’m still normal?  Does that mean I’m okay?  Or what if I only do it once?  For a dare?  What if I’m just experimenting?  Does that mean that I’m normal?”

            “Louis, I only want you to be yourself,” Liam tells him, eyes warm and earnest. 

            “Well, I don’t know who I am,” Louis snaps.

 

He adjusts his fringe and mostly turns away.

            “What’s wrong with that?”  Liam grasps Louis’ wrist and pulls him back around.  “Louis, we’re young – this _is_ our time to figure things out.  Just because Nick seems put together about all this gender and sexuality shit doesn’t mean we have to be.  We’re still gonna love you no matter what.” 

            “But shouldn’t I have already known?” Louis demands.  “If I’m not a gay man, shouldn’t I already know that?” 

            “I don’t know,” Liam shrugs.  “But wearing skirts doesn’t mean you’re not a man.” 

Louis scoffs and rolls his eyes. 

            “I _know_ that, okay?  But what if I don’t always feel like a man?”

That one stumps Liam and he frowns briefly. 

            “I don’t know,” he repeats, “I guess we research?” 

            “This isn’t fair,” Louis says, “I shouldn’t have to research who I am.  What I am.” 

            “Maybe you don’t need a label for it,” Liam suggests.  “Nick always says society is what’s fucked up.” 

            “Well that’s true,” Louis agrees quickly. 

            “What if we went and looked at some clothes?” Liam suggests, a bit desperate to change the subject.  

Louis pauses, narrows his eyes. 

            “You really want to?” 

            “Very much,” Liam tells him. 

 

Louis sighs. 

He goes for Liam’s nipple and lets Liam grab his wrist. 

            “Let’s go then,” he says, holding Liam’s hand tightly in his. 

…

 

There’s no explanation for the picture that Nick receives on his snapchat.   
It’s obviously Louis, his legs at least, in a fitting room mirror. 

And he’s wearing a denim skirt. 

The way it stretches across his thighs has Nick feeling all sorts of ways and he rushes home to an empty apartment, slumping in the doorway when he realizes. 

He sighs slowly before pulling out his phone to text Liam. 

_pls tell me he bought that_

_bot what?_

Is all Liam sends back. 

Nick nearly growls. 

_I need new boyfriends_

Liam sends a picture then, Louis smirking with a shopping bag in his hand. 

Nick feels stupidly relieved. 

 _I’ll keep you then_ he sends to Louis. 

 

He has to behave entirely through dinner because Louis’ sisters are in their flat and they’re sweet – Nick would never want to scar them for life. 

The air feels a bit charged though and if he can’t keep his eyes from Louis’ hips and thighs well, he’s only human. 

Louis walks his sisters out as Liam and Nick do the dishes and honestly Nick needs a glass of wine or six. 

            “How’s he doing?” Nick asks, handing a wet bowl over to Liam. 

            “Okay,” Liam says.  “I think.  I think he’s confused though.” 

Nick nods at this. 

He thinks they can all relate to that a bit. 

“I told him we’d do some research.” 

            “Sounds like a good idea,” Nick says.  “There’s lots of different things this could mean.  Or he could just like feminine things like I do.” 

They’re both quiet for several moments. 

Nick wonders how long Louis will be. 

            “Do you ever think it could be more than that?” Liam asks gently. 

Nick sighs a bit. 

            “It could be,” he says.  “But I didn’t really want to put a label on it.  I didn’t want to spend my life educating other people on who I am and what it means when a label doesn’t really apply to an entire group as it is.  I’d rather people just accept me.” 

            “Yeah,” Liam says. 

Nick wonders if he’s thinking back to when he came out. 

            “Never fun to have people judging you.”  He sighs and hands off another dish.  “That’s why it’s very important to ask Louis what he’s thinking and feeling and supporting him no matter what.” 

Liam looks relieved at this. 

“Yeah,” Nick tells him, “I know you can do that, Love.” 

            “Yeah, I can,” Liam says softly. 

 

…

 

When Louis slips back into their flat Liam and Nick are still on the couch.   
He heads to their bedroom and slips off his shoes.   
Leaving them in front of the closet, he heads into their bathroom and sprays some deodorant on. 

He hums to himself quietly as he heads back into their room. 

The bag with his skirt in it is resting on the bed and Louis shimmies out of his jeans before tossing them towards the hamper. 

He takes a breath and lets it out again carefully. 

This isn’t a big deal he reminds himself. 

His boyfriends love him.  And they _want_ him to try this.   
If it suits him. 

And Louis really should find out anyway. 

If this is for him. 

He can worry about what it all means later. 

 

Louis doesn’t let himself overthink anything – he barely lets himself stall at all before leaving their room.  He grabs his laptop off the coffee table and props his legs on it before opening his laptop in his lap. 

It’s not a big deal really, he could be wearing shorts just as easily. 

He opens the browser before turning the TV on and letting the background noise soothe him. 

Louis doesn’t really know what to search for so he starts typing. 

 _Sometimes I feel like a girl_ he puts in, thinking he’d better keep it simple for Google. 

One of the suggested results is _sometimes I feel like a girl and sometimes a boy_ so Louis hums and clicks on it. 

As the page loads he wonders how long the dishes are going to take.   
Maybe they’re purposely giving him time. 

He turns his attention back to the screen. 

One of the headlines says _Confused?  Start here._  

            “Alright,” Louis tells himself, moving the cursor down and clicking.

The webpage is a whole lot of text and Louis pauses to sigh. 

He glances to the TV and pretends his laptop isn’t open, glaring at him. 

Does he really want to do this?   
What if he finds something he doesn’t really want? 

But then again Louis supposes not knowing it’s there doesn’t really mean it doesn’t exist. 

He bites down on his lip once before looking back to the screen. 

 

He doesn’t know how to feel as he’s reading. 

At first Louis is sort of numb. 

Then he feels a bit comforted. 

The fact that other people have felt the way he’s feeling is sort of nice.   
Not nice because this feeling honestly sucks but the fact Louis isn’t alone is nice. 

There’s a lot of terms he doesn’t know but the website is quick to explain them so Louis keeps on reading. 

Louis thinks that maybe he’s not a boy.  But he doesn’t really feel like a girl either.   
And Nick’s right, just because he puts on a skirt doesn’t mean he’s a girl. 

            “Bigender,” he says to himself. 

That could be a thing? 

He reads the rest of the page before going back to the original search window. 

There’s a headline saying _I am genderfluid_ , he clicks that one next. 

It’s a personal blog and Louis rests his chin in his hand to read. 

Next he googles _genderfluid_. 

 

Nick and Liam drop onto the couch on either side of him when Louis is on his second page. 

            “Alright, Love?” Nick asks. 

Louis hums affirmatively. 

            “There’s a lot of information,” he says. 

            “That’s good,” Liam adds, “right?” 

            “Think so,” Louis says. 

He sits back and sighs. 

“Think I might be genderfluid,” he says carefully, “but I don’t know for sure.” 

            “How do you feel?” Nick checks, sneaking his hand under the laptop to squeeze Louis’ thigh. 

            “Good,” Louis says.  “’S like you said, I’m still me.” 

He puts his laptop to sleep before setting it back on the coffee table and curling closer to Nick. 

“C’mere Leem,” Louis commands, reaching behind himself to pull Liam closer. 

            “You look great, if it’s any consolation,” Nick adds, pressing a kiss to the side of Louis’ head. 

            “Yeah,” Liam agrees, pressing himself even closer.  “So, so great.” 

            “Well it’s not going to be an everyday thing,” Louis says.  “And I’m still wearing pants under here so don’t get all pervy on me.” 

Liam giggles at him helplessly and Nick cracks a smile too. 

            “We would never sexualize you darling.  Not when we aren’t having sex.” 

            “What he said,” Liam agrees. 

Louis pinches them both where he can reach them, curling up when they move to retaliate. 

            “No teaming up,” Louis giggles, “not fair!”

            “Just showing you our love,” Liam teases. 

Louis can’t really argue as he’s busy gasping for air. 

Having boyfriends who know your ticklish spots is the worst.

 

It’s maybe two hours later, they’re still cuddling on the couch and watching an indie movie Louis couldn’t give a fuck about, that he realizes that the fact that he’s wearing a skirt is completely inconsequential to them. 

And he knows that they told him it would be. 

But it’s always different when someone carries through on their promises. 

It always makes you feel better. 

 

So maybe Louis doesn’t really know who he is yet.   
But he does know that his boyfriends care and they’re going to help him figure it out. 

            “I love you,” he says, purposely looking at neither of them. 

Nick hums and squeezes him a moment. 

            “Love you too.” 

            “Love you,” Liam adds.   
He leans over Louis to kiss Nick quickly.   
“And you.” 

            “Yeah,” Nick says simply.   

 

Louis doesn’t have a label for himself other than Louis. 

Maybe one day he will – but that’s probably something to worry about later. 

For now he’s taking things as they come and doing his best to accept them. 

Sometimes it’s a tally list in his head.  Heels: no.  Skirts: yes.  Nail polish: yes.  Lipstick: maybe.  Mascara: no. 

Sometimes it’s just more of a feeling that he doesn’t really know how to put into words. 

All he can really do is be grateful for the fact that there are people who accept him and make him feel safe.   
It’s hard trying to picture doing this without Liam and Nick. 

It’s hard trying to picture doing this at all. 

But if Louis takes it one step at a time, one day at a time, one question at a time…he thinks he’ll be alright.

He used to think it would change his whole world – admitting these things out loud.   
It doesn’t really.   
It just makes Louis feel a bit more like _Louis_.   

**Author's Note:**

> ps I am American pls don't point it out unless you'd like to britpick for me :)


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